So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
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