did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
