1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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