Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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