my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
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