i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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