She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
