so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Dignity is for republicans.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
