I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
The maid of honor just puked.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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