I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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