Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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