I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
