i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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