i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
