I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
