My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Randomize
