I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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