420 ftw
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
