So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
