I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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