Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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