He uses pillows to masturbate.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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