No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Randomize
