I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
