I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
