cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
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