Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
