Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
