Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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