i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
