Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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