tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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