Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
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