so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Go christen that room with your naked body.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
