Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
