Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
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