I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I pour the whiskey from now on
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
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