Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
