this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Randomize
