i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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