Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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