Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Randomize
