got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i wish my penis had a tongue
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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