This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
