Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
