Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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