Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
