i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
