He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
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