That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
