Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
