I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize
