Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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