She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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