Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize
