My friends, they love my intelligence
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
