You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Randomize
